plan b

Last week, I asked my friend and early morning yoga instructor if she had something she wanted me to remember. About my practice. She paused and said something like, “I see you always making it work. Sometimes, I wish you would allow yourself to be curious about what can be. Curious and not making it work…letting it happen.”

My guess is that she wasn’t talking singularly about yoga. Heh. Heh. Heh.

I like to be as strong in yoga as I do on the road, in the water or flying off of a mogul on snowy slopes. It has taken me a long time to be strong on my own damn mat and to leave 98 percent of my ego at the door and downward dog with whatever I bring that day. Lot’s of near face-planted downward dogs and wobbly chaturangas have gone into this practice.

And with a history of having my body purloined for another, yoga helps me to reclaim my own body and physical sense of self.

In yoga, I can follow someone’s direction and lose myself in the movement and pauses. This practice of breath and bendiness and being an always-beginner is — and I know what I am saying here — a godsend.

The relief to my soul and heart and thoughts and corpus delecti have advanced more in a few short years of child’s pose than in all of the years before.

Relief gives way to life. Trial and error.
Frustration when my tree poses are easily described as “falling timber” or my muscles in my right foot reject the work of flexing and stretching and cramp.

Begin again.

Orange Sky Yoga has been a place of sorrows remembered and joy — triumph similar to the last pull upon a now-distant mountain summit — when my muscles begin to understand the push-pull which can occur simultaneously with practice. When friends give it a try and feel their feels and mat-borne triumphs.

All of this has been so important.

In listening to Lindsey, I am sure she is correct. It is time to be curious. To relinquish my “get-things-done-bull-in-a-china-shop” fear-driven determination to fix what was broken and to always be my best.

It’s time to be curious about rest. 
About not-knowing.

It’s time to replace fear with curiosity and reignite that flame.
will illuminate a long dark night of the soul
and perhaps reveal a way through.

I have people to love
and questions to wonder about
and an imperfect life to live
and if I am lucky – one day offer to another
as a companion in this long walk home.

Illuminating curiosity. That will be my focus for the next months. A first quarter of replacing fear with curiosity.

And possibly replacing my front teeth again as I tend to lead with my chin in life and yoga.

Will you be curious with me? 
What in your life may benefit from replacing fear with curiosity?

I am listening.

And a little something for you to listen to, A Suitcase full of Sparks. Thanks Gregory Alan Isakov.

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