This year is already different.
In winter’s bitter cold and having Izzy nearby to woof at phantoms only she can hear, a change within the Hobbit House has occurred. Instead of resolving to get better at this and do better at that and be brilliant and wave my hanky at the capricious universe, I am still and quiet. Peaceful in places I’d never expected. Resolution without the resolutions.
Yes, this is the year I’ve designated to Build; to take advantage of the scorched earth and apply what I have learned – am learning – to forge a foundation for my next 50 years of LIVE-ing. To Build space, credibility within and professionally again; to Build conversations which Build community and to Build something that lasts. I am making friends with myself.
All those years of trying to please the most unpleasant humans…trying to please what was presented as an angry vengeful god (sounds like the crumpet in the White House) and trying to do the things that would erase a loneliness begun so young only left me tired, bewildered and hurt. I am unwilling to do this again – to attempt to be “enough” for those who want what others have and despise their own lives. I am unwilling to be that person.
Frankly, I don’t know how I got here after years of pursuing perfection and excellence, learning and searching for the truth or nugget to illuminate my great faults so I could eliminate them. Years of despair and wearing a shame I did not own. Festering fears of imperfection and a lifetime sentence of loneliness and life on an island of misfits.
Then several years putting my faults and the “faults of my stars” out there. Authenticity in defiance of a small world so prone to hiding and deceit that many people live Thoreau’s “desperate lives” as they destroy the lives of others.
This year is already different.
I’ve set my intention.
To be open. To reread the sacred text I loved, clung to, and tried to build upon for so long.
To live and do and be without expectation.
To show up – heart open and wisdom leading – and live the day as best as I can.
I’ve already invested in an unlimited year of yoga and spin, committed to a savings goal which will require the friendship of my co-worker as we slog out frugalities, discovered a six-month swim membership is doable, begun cooking a bit more, and said “yes” and “no” as I knew was true deep within.
I hold no expectation on the year or others I love or have loved.
I expect myself to faceplant a bit…call my dentist to re-re-re-rebuild my front teeth, rise in strength and softness, and experience the feels both welcome and full-of-pain. Because that is life, right?
When did we become entitled to all blue skies and candy mountains?
Or conversely, why did we expect to earn our keep only as the pack mules for others’ emotional debris? Neither serves us…neither serves me anymore.
Curiously, I’ve begun to think of faith differently – unentangled by American entitlements and more in line with the original act-from-a-place-of-love (sacrificially even) walking-beside others. Fortunately, I know people who live this out, among them a handful of pastors, curmudgeons, the shiny and the unwashed.
A few “found” and many “lost” who love well.
These folks don’t have to be first or right or vindictive or winning or even “good.” They seem to wake up and show up and make room at the table while the holy remains mystery.
Love. Make friends. Invite, nurture, never demand.
Sounds like true love. Sounds like a love I can extend to myself and others as I make my wobbly way into this building year.
Sounds like a love I hope to one day build to last with an everyday ordinary guy who likes to climb mountains, geeks out on big ideas and little brilliances, and will take my hand (and hold it firm) as we advance into the mystery.
In the meantime, I will continue to make friends with myself…as I am and invite you to do the same with you. You are worth it. We are worth it.
A little Humming House and Run with Me to help us face a new year of derring do. (Pups included.)