I like words.
I love the way their syllables
roll and tumble over my teeth like cool water in a stream
though sometimes they blast – more unwelcome explosion than gentle refreshing.
I like quiet.
And sometimes quiet is the only appropriate response.
Maybe a walk or shared wine.
an awkward sideways hug
or gift of quiche, time, and presence.
When I was younger and more ambitious for short-lived things, I felt each silence a threat only extinguished by grand words, great force or displays of character.
Now, I trust the silences
though I often fill them with mindless social network scrolling
(which invites other words not fit for all company)
until I remember my heart
and how it is filled
with good company
and adventures explored.
Last month, I had words,
but so many people were tumbling their own words into the atmosphere, I did not want to add mine to the choking dust bowl cloud
and witty phrases.
So I stayed quiet. Not silent, but still.
My heart was heavy with worry
a bit of sorrow
gobs of joy
some sweet wonder tossed in for flavoring
and the flu
because I guess I needed to be still when Magpie was here
and allow her…someone to take care of me
while lucidity and strength departed.
And then I wanted wise words
thoughtful “right things” said
or respond to several tough situations,
but no good words came.
Just worry, silence, wonder, disappointment, peace, forgiveness and
all the rest of life in its time.
Oh. And a giant dog until her folks have settled and can send for her.
Recently, I even wanted to respond with words fierce
and equally bombastic,
but I couldn’t
because they do no good in the long heart of things.
I’ve learned this
after many failed attempts
in years of desperation
where fear and abandonment prevailed
and ego squeaked through…
an embarrassment and waste of words.
And now, a great sorrow I cannot fathom
has visited nearby
and I have no words
only shell-shocked gaping
and a hope to be useful
in its time.
words don’t cut it.
So I will say I love you, Friend
without a torrent
or trickling brook of words
but with silence
Keeping a watch out for the wiser ones
I will say more in my silences
and unexpected choked back tears
to the hurting ones
who I earnestly hope know that
we’ll do and be here
in silence and quiet
when the words don’t cut it.