Lately, I’ve had that feeling…the sense something is coming – a change.
Not a Kafka-esque shriveling into an Ungeziefer; more of an unwinding and turning toward something. This sense of an arriving horizon is vague and familiar; it has been spot on each time it’s moseyed up. This time, I will walk it out, pay attention, and see what happens.
It is a quieting season. No answers come.
Still more questions bubble to the surface. And my only proven option is to wait it out.
I’ve learned not to get ahead of this metamorphosis. My strategic planning has never been even close to what is coming and has usually ushered in muddy trips down rabbit holes where I meet snakes finishing their purloined hasenpfeffer and still hungry for a fresh kill.
This time, I feel as if my bones have melted, my metabolism slowed, and I am floating like a jellyfish in the ocean. A stingless alliefish in the summer south winds.
What have I done to keep post as I wait? I’ve enjoyed wine with friends. Left a fabulous event before it started because I knew I needed home more than free admission to the Symphony and Flint Hills. I’ve paid attention.
What I’ve noticed:
- fear is the worst change agent.
- little kids seem to have a helluva lot of fun just being kids – NOT worrying about their yoga poses, curve and shape, or what the other kids are thinking of them. be like a little kid in this way. try it. you may like the freedom it affords.
- i have been saying yes more often…and no when it matters. i explored a new-to-me-town with a new-to-me friend with a yes and did a hard-yet-right thing with a “no, thank you.” each time, i grew a little.
- i bought a kite. it lives in my car for those moments when the Kansas wind plays with the trees, but doesn’t feel like a baking scourge of hot air. i am still looking for the opportunity to fly my kite on its maiden voyage.
- invitations: i’ve risked the no of rejection or “not today” and have invited people i love to run, movies, kayak, arts in the park, and more. some have been yes and some have been “nos.” i am still alive.
- i learned in the last year of rebuilding my broken heart that naming my feels goes a long way to healing them. sometimes i’ll rattle off all the feels on my way to work – the ones that cause perspiration to billow on my brow. i call out the “hot diggety dog” feels, too, when the Avett Brothers are cranked up and so is my confidence. last night as the storm rattled my windows, i called out loneliness for what it was and watched the lightning make shadow puppets on the wall.
- i’ve committed to the first of a lifetime of super-secret 28-day challenges because of this guy, http://anth101.com/blog/2017/06/14/lesson-3-sing-sweat-and-run/, Michael Wesch. He is an anthropology professor-learner-adventurer with a heart for being human and inviting others to the same. Following his shenanigans (rollerblading down hilly Poyntz Avenue) left me impressed, inspired, and wondering if my new insurance is tee’d up for a fresh set of front teeth this soon in the game.
Perhaps in all of this is the transformation – this deciding to stay, choosing to go, stashing the kite in my car just in case the wind favors flight, deciding to face the challenge is the best metamorphosis – becoming the one we choose.
We say, “it ain’t perfect, but it is damn fine.” Or “I choose you and this is why” though we’ve had to pinky promise not to talk ourselves into or out of something prematurely. And, “I’m not there, yet. I can learn this.”
Admitting what I don’t know.
Accepting what I hope happens.
Pinky-promising to not talk myself in or out of anything worth waiting for…worth waiting quietly for.
Choosing to take the challenge.
Pursuing the art of being human rather than the set up of trying to be superhuman.
This is an ongoing metamorphosis and I have no idea where it will lead. I choose to follow the constellations unfolding ahead.
Fire up your derring do, slap on your helmet and hang on for the ride! We have a life unfolding around us.