For the last few weeks, I’ve been dragging.
In search of “feeling better,” I thoughtfully weighed the evidence of snarkish weariness, considered my calendar (lots of roadtrip adventures big and small), and circumstances (what next to aim for in life?). I kept returning to one conclusion:
Age and gravity are catching up to me.
This only made me feel worse.
I’d always dreamed of living as a sparky centenarian skipping about mountainsides and scaring pedestrians with my mad scooter + sidecar skills.
To consistently loop back to age and gravity as what had been slowing me down only fed the crabbiness.
Was it op-too-much-is-tic to dream/work toward adventures, love, and a next act?
Have I become delusional in thinking that mountains and 14-ers are in my future?
I read. Listened. Quieted. Researched. Tested. And considered the variables well and over time.
“Yup. I’m getting too old in this body to do x-y-and-z.”
But Thursday morning, I realized that I kept bumping into Katie on the lope about town
and my ear kept hurting and popping
and my face hurt.
A few hours later, my favorite P.A. told me I had a hefty sinus infection which likely caused the
crabbiness (at least some of it)
HURRAH for Sinus Infections (and excellent available affordable medical care)!
I was so excited to learn my well-considered conclusions were WRONG!
Today as my face aches more while the cure does its thing
that metallic taste of antibiotics follows me like a sword-swallower’s palate
and my body is fighting a now-aided exhausting battle
I am so grateful and slightly more hopeful about what lies ahead.
A few facts that I overlooked in drawing my age-borne conclusions:
- I live in Kansas
- I’m allergic to Kansas
- “Outside” is my favorite place to be in Kansas
- Outside is where all the allergens congregate; lying in wait to hop on board my person
- Each and Every year, I’ve had this diagnosis as the weeds send out their best pollen
It has me thinking about what other well-considered wrong conclusions I’ve come to, believed, and defended.
- Is god really a myth or abandoning father to all of us sorry blighters (except for the beautiful few?)
- Dressing up is only worthy on special occasions
- I should have it all together & people are judging me as a failure (maybe I am just judging me as a failure)
- Don’t wear white after Labor Day
A few weeks ago, I remembered how I’d worn thick sparkly bronze eyeliner as an adult…to work. Boy, was I committed to that smudge despite the gentle prodding of #1 daughter to tone it down. Ugh.
Out of fear, I have claimed an ideology or point-of-view that my heart and mind did not support. I felt that it was in the better/best interest of the people whom I most loved to go along and get along. The cost of being true to what my bones knew to be real was too great for the situation. Or so I thought. And then I could not stay silent anymore.
“Settling for/adapting to untenable situations is the best.” You know, things fall apart. A perfect idea can result in an imperfect outcome. Good people make mistakes. Racism and ethnocentric ideals may seem the only protection for fragile identities. Sometimes well-considered conclusions are wrong.
We are wise and given to derring-do.
We can learn at any age.