Well considered; wrong conclusion

coconuts of wakefulnessFor the last few weeks, I’ve been dragging.

And cranky.

In search of “feeling better,” I thoughtfully weighed the evidence of snarkish weariness, considered my calendar (lots of roadtrip adventures big and small), and circumstances (what next to aim for in life?). I kept returning to one conclusion:

Age and gravity are catching up to me.

Ugh. Really?

This only made me feel worse.
I’d always dreamed of living as a sparky centenarian skipping about mountainsides and scaring pedestrians with my mad scooter + sidecar skills.

To consistently loop back to age and gravity as what had been slowing me down only fed the crabbiness.

Was it op-too-much-is-tic to dream/work toward adventures, love, and a next act?
Have I become delusional in thinking that mountains and 14-ers are in my future?

I read. Listened. Quieted. Researched. Tested. And considered the variables well and over time.
“Yup. I’m getting too old in this body to do x-y-and-z.”

But Thursday morning, I realized that I kept bumping into Katie on the lope about town
and my ear kept hurting and popping
and my face hurt.

A few hours later, my favorite P.A. told me I had a hefty sinus infection which likely caused the
memory fogginess
faux hot-flashes
crabbiness (at least some of it)

HURRAH for Sinus Infections (and excellent available affordable medical care)!

I was so excited to learn my well-considered conclusions were WRONG!

Today as my face aches more while the cure does its thing
that metallic taste of antibiotics follows me like a sword-swallower’s palate
and my body is fighting a now-aided exhausting battle
I am so grateful and slightly more hopeful about what lies ahead.

A few facts that I overlooked in drawing my age-borne conclusions:

  1. I live in Kansas
  2. I’m allergic to Kansas
  3. “Outside” is my favorite place to be in Kansas
  4. Outside is where all the allergens congregate; lying in wait to hop on board my person
  5. Each and Every year, I’ve had this diagnosis as the weeds send out their best pollen

It has me thinking about what other well-considered wrong conclusions I’ve come to, believed, and defended.

  • Is god really a myth or abandoning father to all of us sorry blighters (except for the beautiful few?)
  • Dressing up is only worthy on special occasions
  • I should have it all together & people are judging me as a failure (maybe I am just judging me as a failure)
  • Don’t wear white after Labor Day

A few weeks ago, I remembered how I’d worn thick sparkly bronze eyeliner as an adult…to work. Boy, was I committed to that smudge despite the gentle prodding of #1 daughter to tone it down. Ugh.

Out of fear, I have claimed an ideology or point-of-view that my heart and mind did not support. I felt that it was in the better/best interest of the people whom I most loved to go along and get along. The cost of being true to what my bones knew to be real was too great for the situation. Or so I thought. And then I could not stay silent anymore.

“Settling for/adapting to untenable situations is the best.” You know, things fall apart. A perfect idea can result in an imperfect outcome. Good people make mistakes. Racism and ethnocentric ideals may seem the only protection for fragile identities. Sometimes well-considered conclusions are wrong.

20150725_211224We must be brave to surrender our well-loved, well-considered, familiar conclusions when faced with evidence of their faultiness or failure.

We are wise and given to derring-do.

We can learn at any age.

4 thoughts on “Well considered; wrong conclusion

  1. So now I might have my answer to this feeling like carp (joke between sisters). I too am getting older, feel like death warmed over….yet maybe perchance it is my allergies to. Also am highly allergic to state I live in.
    GOD is GOOD to me, darn comedian, yet loving.
    I Love You AL, feel better.


  2. LOVE this! Sometimes I feel like I may be allergic to life in general. The only solution for this I find (because no-one has yet invented the antibiotic to cure THAT dilemma) is to read a couple of good blogs that make me smile and lift my spirits. Today, life’s allergy is back under the soil. Thanks for this :)
    p.s. We suffer allergies too – but my first stop in the US would be Kansas :O Oh well ;)
    p.p.s Here’s hoping you get well soon! ;)


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